Infertility Counseling

Are you struggling with infertility?

Do you feel overwhelmed by grief, anger, or hopelessness?

Is your relationship suffering from the pressures of trying to conceive?

Has sex become mechanical and devoid of romance?

Are you overwhelmed by the frequent clinic visits and financial burdens of reproductive intervention?

Does it feel like infertility is getting in the way of your relationships with pregnant friends or friends with children?

Do you feel betrayed by your body?

Are you mourning the loss of one or more pregnancies in your fertility journey?

Are you interested in becoming a single parent by choice and travelling through the world of Assisted Reproductive Technologies alone?

Once you've decided you're ready to have children, most of us want to get going right away! How painful it can be when that excited and hopeful expectation is met with the realities of struggling to conceive. Whether or not you're dealing with a medical reason for infertility or things are mysteriously not working the way you would expect, it can be an incredibly taxing emotional experience on you, your partner, and your relationship.

You may have started out trying to conceive with eagerness and anticipation, albeit tinged with nerves. In those first few months, nothing seems awry, you may chuckle gratefully at the arrival of your period because you weren’t quite ready anyway! Then the months drag on. Many couples start out trying to get pregnant by taking a relaxed, “if it happens, it happens” kind of attitude. After too many months go by, you may find yourself taking a closer look at your fertility by purchasing ovulation kits or taking your temperature daily, timing sex to the optimal window for conception. This is when things start to feel scarier. You’ve put effort into making sure nature takes its course and when it doesn’t, all of a sudden, the question of infertility takes center stage in what can feel like the beginnings of a nightmare. All of a sudden, anxiety and fear take hold of your body and brain.

You’re not alone

It is estimated that one in eight couples are affected by infertility in the United States. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive via unprotected sex for one year in women under the age of 35 and six months in women over the age of 35. You may also be diagnosed with infertility if you’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. Interestingly, secondary infertility - the inability to get pregnant after a previous pregnancy is just as common as primary infertility. Of all infertility cases, around 50% of them are due to secondary infertility. While there are definitely nuances to the experience of primary vs secondary infertility, there’s no question that both situations are incredibly distressing and painful.

To put things in a bit of perspective, research tells us that the fertility rate to begin with is only 20%. This means that for a healthy, fertile 30 year old woman, she will get pregnant only one out of five times, even when everything seems exactly right. It turns out the human body isn’t quite as predictable as we might hope!

Despite how common infertility is, many people struggling to conceive feel so very alone and isolated in their sadness, frustration, and anger. Couples may experience feelings of embarrassment and choose not to share their pain with others, whether close loved ones, coworkers or acquaintances. Even when you do choose to disclose, it can be difficult for those around you to truly understand what you’re going through and they may inadvertently say or do things that feel like salt in the wound. If you decide to go down the path of medical interventions like IUI (intrauterine insemination) or IVF (in vitro fertilization), the steps of fertility treatments can become all-consuming - your life starts to revolve wholly around your fertility and the rest of the world around you can feel increasingly distant. Given all of this, it makes complete sense that you may be overwhelmed by feelings of depression and/or anxiety.

Fortunately, the support of a compassionate, experienced therapist can help you manage the stress of the emotional rollercoaster of infertility and find some peace. You don’t have to go through this alone. We can help.

Infertility Counseling can help you cope with the uncertainty and fear

Together we'll work towards helping you to gain perspective, live in the present even as you hope for the future, and keep your relationship with your partner strong so that you can effectively lean on each other for support whatever may happen. You’ll have a safe space to share your feelings of jealousy and irritation. It is a nearly superhuman feat to be simultaneously desperate and anxious about your childbearing future as well as feel authentically supportive and enthusiastic for those around you as they disclose their happy pregnancy news. And yet, the inability to share in your loved ones’ joy can feel shameful and wrong. Therapy helps to normalize these feelings (trust me, they’re very, very normal). You’ll learn how to find compassion and kindness for your hurting self and set healthy boundaries that respect both your pain and the quality of your relationships.

Therapy can also support you in mourning the loss of a pregnancy or the failure of a treatment. Together, we’ll acknowledge the grief you may be experiencing for the loss of getting pregnant the way you always expected. It can feel incredibly unfair that things aren’t going according to plan especially if you feel you’ve made lots of healthy and responsible choices in the run up to trying to conceive. You may be surrounded by family and friends who are seemingly having no problems growing their families and feeling envious and resentful. Alternatively, you and/or your partner may also be suffering from a sense of personal blame.

While a positive pregnancy test is generally the goal of fertility treatment, it’s not necessarily the end of your anxiety and distress. Once things don’t go according to plan with conception, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed with fear and doubt about the rest of your pregnancy’s viability. Miscarriage is also common (in the first trimester, 10-15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage) but that doesn’t make things any easier to handle. For many people, having a miscarriage increases anxiety during future pregnancies making it difficult to be truly present in the experience of growing a baby. It can rob you of joy and instead instill a sense of fear. Therapy can provide you with much needed non-judgmental emotional support to help you regain some groundedness and strength as you take difficult steps and make complex decisions with your partner.

You may still have some questions about fertility counseling…

Fertility treatments are already expensive, can I afford therapy?

There is no question that traumatic stress has a negative impact on our physical bodies and emotional selves. Right now, you are putting all you have into trying to get pregnant and your doctors are addressing the biological issues at play. But you are more than your uterus. Even more importantly, your brain, your body, and your spirit are all inextricably interconnected. Therapy is an investment that you make in yourself and in your future. The value of a fully lived life, in the present moment, is incomparable to anything more tangible.

With all that said, our practice is committed to working with you and your financial situation. We provide a superbill each month that you can submit to your insurance for out-of-pocket reimbursement should you decide to utilize your benefits. Please feel free to contact us for further discussion.

The only solution to my sadness is to get pregnant and give birth, therapy can’t make me pregnant!

If this thought rings true for you, let me first say that we see you and your pain. Most, if not all, of you is so consumed right now with one goal, and that’s to get pregnant. Hopefully that will happen tomorrow but it may not. It may take some time and you may be faced with some difficult decisions along the way. Your emotional wellbeing is important enough to be given at least some of your attention today, not just after you get pregnant. Therapy can help shore up the strength you need to undergo fertility treatments and navigate awkward social situations.

Isn’t needing therapy a sign of weakness?

Absolutely not! In fact, having the bravery to consider therapy and the will to utilize counseling as a tool for greater support is a sign of strength. There is no shame in seeking extra support. What you are dealing with right now is traumatic. Infertility can feel like an emotional rollercoaster of hope, fear, disappointment, frustration, and grief - over and over and over again. Of course you’re struggling, most everyone in your position has difficulty coping. Usually we are far more critical of ourselves than of others. Try to treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness you would give to your best friend. If they came to you asking if being in therapy means their weak, you would certainly tell them no and instead support and encourage them in their act of strength.

infertility counseling can help you regain your balance

If you’re ready to take the next step and think we may be a good fit for your needs, please reach out. Our therapists are looking forward to supporting you. We are available for clients in-person in Washington, DC and online for clients in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Virginia. Contact us now to schedule an appointment. You don’t have to struggle alone.